"It's All Greek To Me"

I once again set ink stained fingers to silver keyboard for your delectation and delight. The subject: languages.

Geeks love foreign languages. I think that most of the attraction may stem from the feeling of frustration most geeks feel at one time or another towards the limited capacity of just one language to describe the world around them. Of course, actually learning an existing language would be too much trouble…. Thus, geekly ingenuity springs into action like a cheetah on a trampoline! Of course! So simple, so obvious, and yet so overlooked! The answer is to simply create one’s own written language, free from any outside influence! Of course, it seems as though most conceptual written languages don’t ever get past the planning stages, and those that do die off rather quickly, as their own inventors cannot be less bothered to learn the language they just created.

When I was young, my cousin and I created a written “code” language, composed of triangles in various states of coloration. As I sat at my desk last night, I decided that the triangle idea was pretty good, but that there was some room for expansion. I started out with just triangles, but also threw in some crescents and ellipticals for variety’s sake. Then I began to work on prefixes and suffixes. When I had finished, I had a crude but fully functional alphabet and number system that was not based upon circles and lines, but triangles, broken crescents, and other savory characters. As an added bonus, I found this new alphabet fairly easy to learn, and now take sticky notes with this alphabet.

Now I just need to work on the spoken variant…………yeah right.

Sounding Menacing is Easier than I Thought...

Have you ever noticed that anything said with “official” terminology (such as Latin) sounds so much more menacing than when said in “street” language. Consider if you will the following scenario:

Man: Hello.

Me: Hello. *Stretches out hand*. I wish to palpate your metacarpals!

Following this rather short exchange, the man immediately heads for the hills and joins a support group.

“I have allergies” becomes “I have an acute inflammation of my sinuses that results in extreme discomfort and unwanted nasal irrigation.”

“Divide” translates to “Multiply by the reciprocal of the coefficient of the variable.”

“Send a text message” is “Utilize a numeral directory to stream a data packet transmitted through a cellular device across a steady bandwidth.”

Point made.

A Touch of Technological Nostalgia

Remember the good old days when RAM (Random Access Memory) was RAM? When 16 color monitors were OUT OF THIS WORLD? When a megabyte of hard drive space was downright extravagant? When MS-DOS was cool? Now, typing upon my BobBook Pro, connected to the wireless internet at Sunbucks, running on a BATTERY, I realize exactly how much computers, and technology in general, has changed even in my rather short lifetime.

I still remember the good old days of cassette tapes. When you were done listening, you merely popped out the tape and casually tossed on your desk. Then they stopped selling cassette players. Floppy disks were not immune either. For years after their demise, thanks to CDs (and later on digital files), I held onto my collection of floppies. Of course, when I upgraded my 2003 desktop to a floppy-drive-free laptop, that practice was soon eschewed.

I suppose that it could be that I am just feeling a touch nostalgic, and that all changes within the last seventeen years were actually a rather large improvement. Moving televisions certainly became a lot easier.

Changing of the Guard

So, one day I have emerged from my room to grab a rather small lunch. My mom comes up to me and tells me to “have your computer disassembled and out of your room by this evening.” Before I continue I should explain something. Just a few weeks ago, a friend set me up with a very nice laptop, let’s call it a Bobbook. Of course, I was still in possession of my old computer, an ’03 XP with minimal RAM and VERY average processing power (which was why I needed the new computer to begin with). It used to take up almost all of my rather large desk, which in turn takes up almost all of my rather minimal floor space. So believe me when I tell you, dear reader, that the breaking down of my old computer was not a task to be undertaken lightly. The area between my desk and the wall resembled the root system of a rather large tree.

When I finally exported my old computer to a different room of the house, I suddenly remembered exactly WHY I have sworn never to get another CRT monitor. (For those of you have no idea what I’m referring to, CRT stands for “Cathode Ray Tube,” which is the old non-flat screen monitors that used to be standard. Lifting one of those is like lifting a small television. In other words, those things are heavy, dude!). Anyway, no sooner had I gotten the old computer out and the new one settled in than the vultures started gathering.

My dad: “Ooh! A DVD writer drive! I sure could use me a new one of those!”

Now, as I type this upon my silver Bobbook, I gaze over the vast expanse of desk now available. Speakers, pictures, and various little desk toys are the sole inhabitants of this barren wasteland. Kinda gives me the willies, having so much space available…

Roller Coaster Junkie

Well, just a few days ago, I visited Six Signs amusement park for the first time in my life. Well, actually, it is the only roller coaster oriented park that I have ever been to. I think that you can probably guess from my life description of “geek” that I am somewhat xenophobic, or possessed of an irrational fear of large groups of people that I do not know. I also happen to be rather fearful of heights. I tooled around with my friends for a while, and then split off to eat lunch. By that time, I had worked up my nerve enough to board the lime and purple monstrosity that is the park’s most memorable landmark. Well, before I knew it, I was riding every coaster in the park, yelling like an utter fool. Oddly enough, I never once felt the least bit inclined to hork up the rather copious lunch that I had eaten but a small time before.

Before long, the group loosened up and began to split off in twos. I found myself hanging around with my good friend Jenga. I soon discovered that it rather disconcerts the other guests, however, when I actually ride the rides WITH my good friend Jenga. Picture a row of seats that accommodates up to four. Now picture my good friend Jenga and I sitting in the edge seats, where the view is the best, with two unwary passengers sitting between. Now imagine the whole contraption hurtling along at great speed, looping loops and dropping and twisting and…well, you get the idea. Now, plaster bizarre smiles all over our faces in the midst of the other passenger’s deafening screams. Now picture the two of us laughing our heads off and giggling VERY creepily.

So, the moral of this story is: Fear of strangers, fear of heights, plus roller coasters, equals brand-new roller coaster junkie. Yeah. That pretty much sums it up.

......But It's So FUN!!!!

I have finally gone around the deep end, as far as “my generation” is concerned. After typing some rather snarky little comments on a social networking site that were greatly amusing to my sleep-deprived geeky mind, I suddenly had something of an epiphany. I love homework.

I suppose that I should have seen it coming. After all, since this school year of 2010 started, I have been taking a bizarre sort of pleasure in completing my pre-calculus homework. “No,” I told myself, “Surely this is some sort of bizarre coincidence! Surely I haven’t removed myself so far from the “normality” of “my generation” that I actually LIKE doing pre-calculus!” Unfortunately, that was only the beginning……

I was up late, completing some essays for English, when I suddenly realized that I did not want to stop. Yes, that’s right, I wanted MORE! I wanted to type and type and type until the stupid chickens next door started crowing and the sun came up and I was shivering from the cold and lack of sleep, with tousled hair and blood-shot EYES! But of course, It was already about two or three o’clock in the morning, and I hadn’t had that much sleep in the past week. So instead I passed out on my floor and slept for a few hours. But wait! THERE’S MORE!!!!

I was, once again, up late at night (or early in the morning, if you prefer), when I got an overwhelming urge to read my chemistry book. So I read seventy-seven pages. I learned all about Democritus and John Dalton, cathodes, anodes, the law of equal proportions, the law of multiple proportions, the 110 discovered elements on the periodic table, the lack of mass in light and gamma rays, quantum energy levels, etc. IT WAS FUN!!!

Next thing you know, I’ll be reading ALL my textbooks for fun. BUT WAIT! I already do that!

The Height of Obscurity

Acronyms. Random hieroglyphics. Strange patterns of letters that can’t possibly mean anything, yet do.
Call ‘em what you like, but a true geek just LOVES (with a capital “L” and that rhymes with “spell” and that stands for “spellcheck!”) to use initials for anything and everything.

Consider if you would, the following phrase:
“Yup, I was sitting in my chair in front of my XP, thinking about which CPU internalized process I needed to defrag my BUS with, when all of the sudden, my AMD x2 processor, operating at full GHz capacity, decided to trash my SBC! Working hard, I was finally able to pinpoint the problem on my RAM, which is a relief because I’d rather that my HDD wasn’t corrupted. Of course, I was able to download the problem in question to my D drive, after extensive quarantine programming in MMF2 using MOOSOCK utilities, but I was able to save my STX and WMM files, and that’s all that matters. Unfortunately, all I had to write to was a CDRW!

Yes, dear reader, I do believe that phrase speaks for itself!

In fact, this discussion of acronyms ties in rather well with another topic: the geek’s usage of obscure and complicated phrases.
In algebra math, while everyone else uses such mundane phrases such as “Divide by that number by the x,” does the geek give in to this blatant normality? NO! He does not bow! He does not break! He uses the rather more obscure but entirely more descriptive phrase “Multiply by the reciprocal of the coefficient of the variable!”
When asked to help with computer antispyware efforts, does the geek say, “Delete your tracking programs?” NO! He does not! He says, “Run an IP disc cleanup program to identify and erase any subversive cookies found on your hard drive!”
When asked, “What is the best way to kill a zombie?” does he say, “Bash it in the head?”
NO!
HE!
DOES!
NOT!

Instead, he might say, “Effect massive cranial damage with blunt force trauma in such a way as to incapacitate the central nervous system!”

Point made.

Graduated Hardship

Once again, I signed on to shoot and edit my school’s 8th and 12th grade graduation, and produce a DVD of acceptable quality. To accomplish this fabulous feat of filming required the borrowing of numerous pieces of equipment from the school, including a laptop, since nothing I own has sufficient power or software. But before I continue, I should speak more about the school laptops, that you may understand just a few of the things I faced.
The brand is Fujitsu, the RAM is decent, and the memory acceptable. Sounds like a good deal? The casual observer might assume so, but would reckon without the CP. Computer Personality. As in, these laptops each have their own personalities, for better or worse. Okay, maybe just for worse. Take, for example, Laptop 15. Once upon a time, 15 was a good little laptop. It had its problems, but all in all, it was safe. And then it died. Literally. Then there is another laptop who, if it doesn’t take an immediate liking to the user, will actually scream at the person using it. Through the speakers. The laptop I used simply had most of its screws missing, so if you picked it up wrong, the bottom was in danger of falling out….
Anyway

I had just finished both parts of the DVD when I discover that somewhere in the second part there was a problem. And I don’t just mean ANY problem. I mean a PROBLEM. The file writing process worked okay, until a certain spot about one-third the way in. Then it would crash. The entire program, along with the file it was writing. Keep in mind that it takes each video file roughly 2 hours to write. Eventually I got so fed up with the entire process that I sat for two solid days in front of this ornery little laptop hunting down this one error as tenaciously as a tube sock clings to a large foot.
Eventually I discovered the PROBLEM’s root: a split-to-two-second clip of film that the program simply didn’t like. It took me another day to root it out entirely, and another day to fix a PROBLEM of similar quality. And then ANOTHER day to finally produce a working DVD of acceptable quality. And then another one to re-record the source file because there was a problem with the one burned to the “quality” DVD……

Bitten by the Shish Kebab

Hello, and welcome to.........101 Fun Things To Do With Hot Metal! Today, we will learn that just because the metal isn't glowing doesn't mean that it can't kill you, or at least seriously maim you.

Most recent case in point: shish kebabs at Pismo Beach, just this last week. There we are, gathered in friendly family fellowship around the flaming firepit. Then, all of the sudden, a joyous cry echoes about the campground: "The shish kebabs are done!" With tears of joy in my eyes, I run over to the waiting plate, almost matching exactly a scene out of the film adaptation of a classic novel, in which two lovers finally reunite in the end in an extensively slow-motion scene of their running across a grassy field to finally meet once again. As I reached for the plate, the screen had already gone black an the credits had started rolling. All this promptly changed as I actually made contact with the metal skewer.

Simply put, it bit me. Hard.

Suddenly, I go from feasting my eyes on this glorious mushroom and onion kebab to hopping and howling like a demented weretoad. For those of you who don't know, the weretoad is a rather small, depressingly clammy creature that howls when stepped upon by the exceedingly rare Australian Nik-Nik bug. The weretoad commonly transforms from a human being who has handled a weretoad in the past. Sprinkling salt upon the weretoad may make it shrivel up and wrinkle like a prune.

Anyway.....

When I had quite finished my impromptu bout of gymnastics, I happened to look (quite naturally) at the bits of my hand that I had burned. I soon discovered that I had some lines melted into my palm and index finger. Strangest of all, I had a complete circle melted into my thumb. The latter becomes even more ironic when you consider that I am unable to wear rings due to my small fingers and large knuckles, and here I was with one permanently imprinted upon my thumb, much like a rather dull tattoo.

So now we know not to touch the metal directly off of the fire. It bites.

And now, at the end of this exciting episode, I leave you with a little moral to digest.

Are we sitting comfortably? Okay, here it is.

PAIN HURTS!

The Science Fair/a.k.a IT'S ALIVE!!!!!!!!!

I entered the science fair at my school this year with my friend Bill. Our experiment is to discover whether red wine vinegar or distilled white vinegar conducts electricity better (we found out that red wine vinegar conducts better, but that is beside the point). At the judging of the projects, we decided to get in character. Picture this: blue jeans, white button-up shirt, every pen we could find crammed into our shirt pockets, matching red handkerchiefs in our pockets, crazy hair, and all this topped off with glasses reminiscent of a government tax inspector/accountant. Needless to say, we spent the whole hour wringing our hands, answering questions with vaguely creepy little smiles plastered on our smug little faces. Needless to say, things only deteriorated from there. Soon, we were literally skipping up and down the hallway arm-in-arm, with our creepy formerly little smiles apparently fertilized with a copious amount of Miracle Grow.

Scary.

To say the least.

Anyway, the science fair and open house are happening tonight (the one before was just the judging, not the actual displaying), and we’re dressing like accountants again (sorry, Loreleigh), so we’ll see how it goes……

Coolness is the Stuff of Fire

A pet peeve: Sometimes, people are so busy trying to be cool, they don’t realize how stupid they're being.

A few weeks back, I was at my college welding class. Actually, “welding camp” would be more accurate. It is this three-day program where students from three surrounding high schools come to the college to learn how to better their welding, while the college students can attend too. Anyway, it went pretty well. Until lunch. As some welding buddies and I ate, we were approached by a high-schooler. This story is completed in two cases.

Case 1: Boy pulls out cell phone. My friend notices that it is melted in a couple spots.
My friend- “Dude, what’d you do to your cell phone?”
Boy- “Welding.”
My friend- “Dude, it’s melted in two spots.”
Boy-(with relish, and not the pickled cucumber kind) “Yup, couldn’t be bothered to move it.”
So he not only knew that it was burning, but couldn’t risk upsetting his perceived welding coolness by leaving it in the classroom. And you know the ironic thing? Welders actually look down on that sort of thing. Burning your personal communications device is commonly regarded as idiocy. It always gets a laugh, but no one truly admires you for it. The real thing to be proud of is burning your clothes, welding equipment, and yourself (now I know why you have so many fingers: spares). Nothing is more satisfying than to be able to point to various burned patches on your clothes and skin and drawl(in a suitably hillbilly accent): “Yeeeeessirreee, that ‘un thar wuz when I wuz weldin’ so perfect, when I cawt fire I cuddent stop, it was lookin’ so purty.”

Case two: After Boy finishes talking, I say (in an optimistic tone), “Well, at least you weren’t carrying a plastic BIC lighter, *chuckle*”
My friend latches on to this, telling a story in which his welding caught a lighter in his back pocket on fire, “Shooting out a flame three feet.” At this the Boy, at this point cooler than a sunbather on the arctic tundra, dramatically pulls a lighter from his FRONT POCKET (let me put it this way. If it’s in your front pocket, it’s toast. Literally), and says (and you could almost hear the hillbilly in his voice), “Like this?”

Sigh.......the kid couldn’t have been over 15. Why exactly did he carry the lighter in the first place? In case of U.S.C.s (Urgent S’more Cravings)?

Tron

Today, I found out that the long-awaited Tron Legacy has delayed its theater release until December. This aggravated me. As I sat thinking on this topic, I realized that there was no particular reason why this should upset me. After all, it is only a movie….

As I was talking to my friend, also an ardent supporter of the Tron franchise, the source of my frustration finally hit me. I believe that deep down, there are quite a few people who fantasize about being sucked into their computers, to find a strange new world inside the machine, albeit one without creepy guys in black suits and sunglasses (who also express amazing abilities in martial arts). I think that, as the chances of this happening are currently rather slim, then we of this hope must instead content ourselves with living our dream through the characters on the screen.

The first Tron movie was a surprisingly enjoyable ride, with simply amazing CG and special effects (though I must confess that at times I found the seamless blend of computer graphics and live action slightly disturbing). It truly made me feel as though I was looking into the computer.

Tron 2.0: Killer App.(the video game that acts as a sequel to the movie) was, first, an incredibly hard game (I found out the hard way that “normal” is a relative term), and second, almost more immersive than the movie. This time, I wasn’t merely watching events play out; I was making it happen, there inside the computer. I had all the power. It was, I came to realize, an amazing game, that well deserved its status as a sequel to the film.

I can only hope that this movie is well worth the wait.

Zombies in Taco Bell

Zombies. If there’s one thing a geek loves (aside from certain geeks, who may prove to be the exception to this rule), it is zombies.

Case number 1: The other day, one of my relatively normal friends (who happens to have just a few geeky tendencies) and I ate lunch at Taco Bell. The talk swiftly turned to video games, then zombie video games, then finally, simply zombies. For the next 45 minutes, we outlined an extensive plan to survive a zombie outbreak, leaving no contingency unprepared-for. We even had separate plans for each of the three subcategories of zombies: undead, infected, and alien parasite. A sample of the conversation follows:

Me: so, I think that we can both agree that Big 5 is probably the best place to hold out.

Him: Definitely. They’ve got guns, crossbows, food, and everything else!

Me: Yeah, crossbows are good for killing zombies, but they’ve gotta hit the central nervous system to do anything.

Him: well, we’ll save those for last, then. But of course, you’ve gotta remember the explosives, they’re pretty effective.... what’ll we do for explosives?

Me (after taking big bite of burrito): how ‘bout Molotov cocktails?

Him: Yeah! Molotovs!

....And so on and so forth. About the time we got to comparing the effectiveness of various types of chainsaws and debating using an ATV verses an industrial riding mower, we realized that the closest patrons could hear us, so we inserted more references to zombies to make it apparent what we were talking about, and keep people from thinking that we were psychotic mass murderers and restraining us with clean white jackets while the nice men in white drove us to a permanent tour of the funny farm....

Case number 2: The Zombie Song:
A few months ago, a friend and I came up with this song (sung to “the wheels on the bus”):

The claws on the zombie go slash slash slash, slash slash slash, slash slash slash,
The claws on the zombie go slash slash slash, all through the town!

The teeth of the zombie go gnash gnash gnash, gnash gnash gnash, gnash gnash gnash,
The teeth of the zombie go gnash gnash gnash, all through the town!

The victims of the zombie go “AAAAAAAAHH, AAAAAAAAHH, AAAAAAAAHH!”
The victims of the zombie go “AAAAAAAAHH, AAAAAAAAHH, AAAAAAAAHH!”
All through the town!

And so on and so forth. The whole point of this song is to see how many things you can think of for the zombies and their victims to do.

The Fingers of Life

One of the most useful of tools in the geek’s lifestyle is (insert dramatic pause and drum roll here) the fingers of life. By the fingers of life, I do not mean to imply that a geek can simply waltz on over to a squashed, formerly-happy little forest creature plastered to the tarmac, wave his (or her) fingers, and restore the forest creature’s former optimistic outlook on life. No, this is one of the few tools that, for now, remain exclusive to technology.

We all, at some point or another, have known somebody who possesses the fingers of life. These are the people who you ask help from after you have tried to defeat a technical issue/problem approximately 37 and a half times. There you are, practically pulling your hair out, quietly screaming in frustration, when this person walks over, performs the exact same series of actions that you have already tried 37 and a half times, and somehow, succeeds! My first experience with this phenomenon was when I was attempting to install the necessary software to enable my flash drive to run on my computer (at that time, an ornery old ’98). After I performed all of the necessary steps, I would receive an error message. But this was no ordinary error message, my friends. No, this error message was different, all right! Specifically, this error message was in FRENCH. After receiving this message following more than a few tries, I (feeling more frustrated than a depressed lemming without a large body of water) called over my sister, the former owner of the computer. She followed the same steps, and it worked on the first try.

Over the last few years, however, I have slowly developed this ability with most computers. Most people mistake this for actual knowledge! Skill and knowledge are very different things! Knowledge is an actual understanding of concepts. Skill merely takes what knowledge you do possess and uses it to help you to make accurate conclusions from fragmented data. Many a time I will hear a cry for help and scurry across the room to the rescue, only to find that the computer in question starts behaving as soon a I get within a foot or two of it. My so-called fingers of life appear to have exceeded their physical limits, scuttling around the computer unseen, as though it were being swarmed by giant, invisible spiders spreading their skill around like jam on a piece of toast.